I smell stomach acid.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
