If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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