Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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