She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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