Betty ford says i'm here all night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
