Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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