Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
