she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
