ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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