I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This baby is an asshole
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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