Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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