I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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