when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
