Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
