Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
