i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
