i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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