It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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