Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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