before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
