I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
