Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Is it because I queefed?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
