I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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