I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
