my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
