Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
