I will die if light touches me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
