Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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