Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
