Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
