I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
