Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
