I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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