My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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