My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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