nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
