Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
