I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
