How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
