One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
