This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
