just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
