News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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