He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
They are going to name an STD after you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
