Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
