You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
