we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
