She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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