The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
