What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
