Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
