Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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