This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
