I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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