Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
