He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
