JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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