Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
