I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
