alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
